


Snatcher Fails At Being Human

by phantomthief_fee



Series: Teeny Tiny Hat Kid AU's [2]
Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Bow is very tired, He also absolutely does not know how humans are supposed to behave, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Snatcher is a disaster who doesn't know how to talk to people, mermaid au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee
Summary: Snatcher's developed a bit of a crush on the lady who sells flowers on the dock, and Bow decides to help him finally meet her





	Snatcher Fails At Being Human

I’m diving back into writing a story for [@teenytinyhatkid](https://tmblr.co/m8QK_SE0c-i0vVJ-GvOWcsg) because of [this](https://teenytinyhatkid.tumblr.com/post/183039861451/rip-snatcher). And also [this](https://teenytinyhatkid.tumblr.com/post/183849996076/mer-au-ok-imagine-a-humanized-snatcher-trying). [This](https://teenytinyhatkid.tumblr.com/post/183017288241/how-does-mersnatcher-feel-about-the-floaties) too. So here’s Snatcher being a disaster. 

* * *

Snatcher didn’t have many friends. He tended to keep to himself most of time, trying to convince himself that it was better that way. Of course, Hat Kid had decided that he needed to get out more, so he’d started getting dragged to the dock to meet with her little friend Bow. That was where he’d seen  _her_ , the red-haired woman who sold flowers by the dock. Well, Bow said they were flowers at least. Snatcher had never seen flowers like the one this woman sold. Still, he found himself captivated by her. She was so pretty, with her hair as bright as the coral reefs and the funny scales on her face. Not to mention her sharp tongue and quick wit. Snatcher had no desire to enter any kind of romantic relationship, but he did find himself wanting to be friends with this strange woman.

“You should talk to her!” Hat Kid suggested when he accidentally let slip his thoughts one day. 

“It’s too dangerous, kid,” Snatcher replied almost immediately. “Humans are unpredictable.”

“But Bow’s not unpredictable.” Hat Kid insisted. “Not all humans are bad.”

“We have to be careful.” Snatcher leaned back against a rock and folded his arms, signaling that the conversation was now over. Hat Kid narrowed her eyes, puffing out her cheeks in a pout. 

“You’re no fun.” She huffed.

She continued to bring up the strange flower lady every day since she knew it was possible to wear Snatcher down through sheer perseverance. One day, she brought it up when she and Snatcher were meeting with Bow. 

“You mean Peony?” Bow asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“Do you…know her?” Snatcher tried not to sound too eager. 

“I mean, kind of?” Bow shrugged. “We talk sometimes because we’re both here a lot.”

“Is she…nice?”

“Why are you asking about her?” Bow narrowed her eyes, leaning closer with a suspicious look on her face. 

“He has a crush on her!” Hat Kid proudly proclaimed.

“I do not!” Snatcher sputtered, immediately going bright red. “I just want to pet her hair and sniff her flowers!” Upon realizing he’d said that out loud, he groaned and hid his face in his hands. “Please pretend you didn’t hear that.”

When he finally removed his hands and looked up, both Bow and Hat Kid had giant grins on their faces. He’d known that showing weakness was a bad choice. Now they were never going to let him live it down. Almost immediately, he tried to flee. But Hat Kid caught him by the arm and refused to let go. 

“You need to talk to her!” She tried to drag him back. “Bow can help! She knows humans!”

“And there’s that thing that Moonjumper used to become human to visit me when I was sick,” Bow added. “So you could use that to talk to her as a human!”

“It’ll be great!” Hat Kid insisted. Snatcher stopped trying to escape. He hadn’t considered that. If he made himself human for the duration of his meeting with the florist, she’d never know he was a mer. It would be fine.

“Fine.” He said. “But if this goes south, I’m bailing. Got it?”

“Got it.” Both Hat Kid and Bow did mock salutes.

In retrospect, Bow probably should have known that Snatcher had absolutely no idea how to act human. Moonjumper could blend in better due to his experience with humans, but Snatcher was absolutely clueless. The first thing he did upon being turned human was to just set off toward the dock, completely naked.

“Hey! No!” Bow shrieked, scrambling after him. “You can’t just walk around naked!” Snatcher turned back to her, brow furrowed and head tilted to the side. 

“Why not?”

“Humans don’t do that!” Bow stamped her foot, throwing a pair of pants at his head. 

“That’s stupid,” Snatcher grumbled, but he put on the pants nonetheless. It took a few tries for him to get them on since he wasn’t used to having two legs, (he fell on his face quite a few times during this process) but he finally got them on.

“Happy?” He asked, putting his hands on his hips.

“…Sure.” Bow would have preferred to get a shirt on him too, but she had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen.

“Okay. Let’s go.” She gestured for Snatcher to follow her. He did not do this, instead deciding to wander away from her in order to inspect the dock. The first thing he did was steal a fish from a fisherman’s cart.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!” The fisherman bellowed, although Snatcher paid the man no mind and took a big bite of the fish. 

“I’m so sorry.” Bow apologized to the fisherman before rounding on Snatcher. “You can’t just steal from people like that!”

“Was hungry,” Snatcher mumbled through a mouthful of fish guts. Bow tried not to gag at the sight. Unfortunately for her, that wasn’t going to be the last thing Snatcher stole (or tried to steal). He was drawn to every shiny thing on the dock, picking them up and trying to take them before being yelled at by both Bow and whoever he’d tried to steal from. It didn’t help that Snatcher could only really speak broken English. He was clearly frustrated by this, which usually ended with him spitting out whatever human curses he knew and going back to the fish he’d stolen. He also bit people. A lot. 

By the time they reached Peony, Bow was exhausted. Her voice was hoarse from yelling at Snatcher, she’d been apologizing to everyone, and her wallet was considerably lighter because Snatcher had broken quite a few of the objects he’d tried to steal. Peony looked up when Bow entered her periphery.

“You look awful.” She said. “What happened?” Then she noticed Snatcher standing behind Bow. An adult man, shirtless, without shoes, eating a raw fish. An adult shirtless man without shoes eating a raw fish who, upon seeing her, stared at her with what she almost thought was a lovestruck expression. Nope. Not creepy at all. 

“Uh…Who’s your friend?”

“This is Snatcher.” Bow managed a nervous smile. “He’s, um, trying to make new friends.” 

“I…see…” Peony leaned back slightly. “He’s certainly got an…interesting fashion sense.”

“Yeah…” Bow’s smile looked a little forced now as she internally screamed.

“You’re pretty!” Snatcher blurted out, shoving the half-eaten fish toward Peony.

“Why…Why is he holding out a fish to me?” Peony asked. Her eyes were narrowed, both in confusion and slight distrust. 

“Gift,” Snatcher said, smiling. Oooh. His teeth were still all sharp and weird. His smile honestly looked kind of horrifying. But he seemed so proud of himself. Humans liked food, right? Fish was food. She’d be happy to get this food!

“Thaaanks…” Peony grimaced. “But I’m good. I just ate.” Snatcher let his arm drop. He looked like a kicked puppy. 

“I’m sure she appreciates the gift.” Bow assured him. “But huma-, um,  _people_ don't usually eat raw fish.”

“Why?” Snatcher took another bite of the fish. “Fish is good.”

“Not raw it isn’t.” Peony said. “Unless it’s sushi.” She said the last part quietly enough that Snatcher missed it.

“It was a nice gift.” Bow awkwardly patted the small of Snatcher’s back, as it was all she could reach. Snatcher was disappointed that the flower lady hadn’t wanted his fish, but if humans didn’t like raw fish he’d try another route.

“I like…your flowers.” He tried once more. “They’re…pretty.”

“Thanks.” Peony relaxed a bit. “Do you want to buy one?” Snatcher reached out, his hand hovering over a red one that reminded him of Peony’s hair. 

“I’ll pay for it.” Bow sighed heavily, dragging out her wallet. She’d almost burned through all the spending money her mother had given her.

“Well, if you’re the one who’s paying, you get a discount.” Peony gave her a wink. “Can’t be ripping off one of my best customers.” Bow looked up, almost on the verge of tears.

“Thank you.” She squeaked, throwing herself onto Peony. Peony laughed and hugged the little girl, patting her back. While she did this, Snatcher picked up the flower he’d been eyeing and put it in his mouth.

“Whoa!” Peony’s eyes widened. 

“What? What did he do?” Bow whipped around. The stem of the flower was still sticking out of Snatcher’s mouth. There was a petal stuck to his cheek, mixed in with the scales and general….fishiness. 

“We don’t eat flowers!” Bow scolded him. 

“I mean, they’re  _edible_.” Peony shrugged. “It probably doesn’t taste good though.”

“Doesn’t.” Snatcher spat out the stem. Bow sighed heavily, playing with the hem of her sweater in an attempt to assuage her nervousness and general frustration with the mer.

“So, this guy wants to make new friends, huh?” Peony watched as Snatcher went back to looking curiously at the flowers. “So why’d you bring him to me?”

“He wanted to talk to you.” Bow explained. “My friend said he’s been watching you, but he’s been too shy to come actually talk to you.”

“So, what? He’s been stalking me?” Peony raised an eyebrow. 

"He’s just….awkward?” Bow struggled to find the words. “And he said he wants to be friends with you? He’s not interested in a relationship or anything.” She and Peony looked at Snatcher. He was trying to eat the flowers again.

"He seems pretty weird.” Peony said. 

“He’s definitely weird.” Bow started fidgeting with her sweater again. “I’m really sorry.”

“Well, I guess he seems harmless enough.” Peony shrugged. Harmless was not exactly the word Bow would use to describe Snatcher, but at least Peony seemed to kind of like him. Maybe this would get Snatcher to be less weird and isolated. 

“So…Could I bring him back?” Bow asked hopefully. 

“Sure.” Peony said. “But maybe get him a shirt next time.”

“I’ll…see what I can do.” She wasn’t sure how well the suggestion would go down with Snatcher, but she’d give it a try. 

Suddenly, she heard some panicked cawing. Snatcher had discarded his fish and was now trying to wrangle a seagull, presumably to eat. 

“HEY! NO!” Bow ran over. “DON’T DO THAT!”

Peony stifled a laugh. Bow certainly knew how to pick ‘em. She worried about that kid sometimes. Bow always seemed to get in trouble because she was too nice for her own good. At least someone seemed to be looking out for her. Peony remembered that scarred man she’d seen Bow with. He seemed nice.

“SNATCHER! SPIT IT OUT!” Bow shrieked, trying to drag Snatcher back. Peony sighed. She might as well help.

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely check out teenytinyhatkid on Tumblr. They've got great art and amazing ideas


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